i hate christmas.

don't read this.

so like

why can't i write

any

more.

some familiar

strange

monotonous

routine

comparable to

nothingness

that seamlessly

floats around my body

i want out

of these days

that turn into weeks

that turn into years

that turn into seconds

that turn into diddly-fucking-SQUAT

my body is stuck

like hair in a ponytail

tightening with every motion

with every emotion

but what happens

when that rubber-band breaks

there are always more rubber-bands

waiting to be hold me back

i mean my hair

i mean.

shit.

Normalcy.

what is this word?

What is this WORLD?

Who are these creatures in which inhabit it?

It is not us.

It is them.

I do not live here

only my body does

and body is not me

its just allows me to be

to breathe

to function

my legs

and arms

which i don't really need

my soul drifts far away from

it's body

it float with balloons

meets aliens

hand with the dinosaurs

fights with the Eskimos

my body is in my bed

my head is on a different planet

in a different universe

in another galaxy...

I don't see earth from earth

I see it from a far away star

where beauty is endless

and love is everywhere

and thoughts are pure

and life is death

and death is beautiful

I live in the stars

I dream about nothing

and live in a dream

I play with asteroids

and extraterrestrial beings

they aren't competitive

we aren't in it to win

we play for the joy it brings

and the joy never ends

the game never ends

and not does it start

it is death

and it is life

and you are all

and all is you

earth is filled with the living dead

or is this all in my head

maybe i do live here

instead

where am i

where are you

and which would we choose

death on dearth

or life on stars

where is earth

i can't find it.

HELP

So it has been awhile since I have pushed these buttons into words to be posted on the internet

I figure it is time to change that

since there have been many changes in my life this past week

I have changed my town of residence to Oakland California

So elated to escape Ventura

My creative impulses are beginning to tingle again 

I had felt so unmotivated, so slothful, so lethargic

That feeling is fleeing from my bones 

and blood is beginning to pump through my veins

and fill up my heart

with reality

that isn't only in my head

but also in my vision

when my eyes are open

i stare into nothing

and see everything

its cool to be happy

because life while awake

is just as great

if not better

than life while asleep

i dont know this kind of life 

all too well

but i am beatific 

to have met it

and welcome it 

with the upmost

hospitality

May 1, 2009

The mundane repetitiveness of life murders those with the need for validation, for love, for something worthwhile. Life is tiresome, shocking, lonesome. I don't belong on this planet, with these creatures. I belong in outer-space with extra terrestrial beings, with ,hose on a journey for some type of real life form because there are  none to find on planet earth. Maybe traveling at the speed of light could give me light to the reality around me. My pisces self has not been stuck in reality for longer than a few hours as a time such hours i might have been taking the SAT giving a presentation, working, and possibly those few time I attempt to create a future for my being who only seems to live in the moment of now, this hour, this minute, this second of time which brings me into a daydream, life-long, of the past lives, future lives, possibilities of the moment. What is now? Where are we? How are we here? Evolution? Some man called god? Some explosion in the sky? Do we study more on we came to be or how we will come to be extinct? Extinction will be glorious. We could leave with a bang.. bang. bang. bang. Coming from my ears. Where does that banging come from? My tattering brain? My useless heart? My wiggling toes? Who really knows? Bang. Bang. Banging, pounding, thudding heart. is this what love feels like? Oh, wait, no, i am just going into cardiac arrest. How wonderful compared to that feeling of love, of vulnerability, instability, love is much more life threatening than a heart attack.

April 13, 2009

Hearths made of stone. Love is as hard as a brick. Hate is made of fire and sin. But really who defines what sinning consists of? That BIG FAKE god in the ski? Those egotistical fame crazies who wrote the bible? What are their names.. Corinthians.. Psalms? Loving could be considered a sin. Putting your true self out there, naked, vulnerable. My heart is falling apart, crumbling like an old brick wall that too many people have sat on, pissed on, graffitied on. There are holes in my heart. Potholes in my soul! Dents in my mind. Slashes through my love. Hate consumes the soul. Anger controls my mind. Falling bricks like broken bridges. Breaking hearts like falling stones. Killing the love like killing time.

Crumbling hearts like falling stones.

so when did everyone become so petty. with petty thoughts. petty wrongs. petty rights. and even more pettier joys. how do people think that these petty petty things matter. matter at all. all that really matters is you. you and what makes you happy, what makes you different, what makes you smile. that which causes you to frown: delete it. forget it. do not become it. belong to yourself and yourself only. not some stereotype that society created for you and those around you. i do not wish to classified. i am a jock, i am prep, i am a goth, i am a punk, i am a hippie, i am a stoner, i am an alcoholic, i am a druggie, i am a straight edge. i am nothing. i am everything. 

What is it that makes you feel strange? That makes you feel like an outsider to a world that you never truly wanted to be an insider in anyways? Is it the other people or is it yourself? I have come to a conclusion that is 100% you. And you who doesn't belong in this world should be happy that you are different. assume your individuality. Marilyn Manson said that and holy shit he is right. Why would you want to try and belong with people who can't even be themselves, or know who their-self  even is because society has totally brainwashed them into being ignorant wallflowers with no voice, no personality, no genuine ideas. At times I wish I could deplete my unique ability to be above what others want me to be, just because it would be so much easier. But where is the pleasure in being just like everyone else? Maybe there is, but I will never know. People come and people go faster than the changing currents of the sea and every so often one person will make a difference and that person will be an individual, not a society made robot. Strange, weird, odd, are by far not derogatory terms.. but extraordinary. It shows life that there is more to it than just a pretty face and decent report card, there are beings with true emotions, raw ideas, and most of all a sense knowledge of reality. Check yourself, why are you who you are? Is it because you are truly being you, or are you being who others want you to me? If so, find yourself, forget what others think and assume your true individuality.. if there is still any left, and hold on to it for dear life.

February 25th, 2009

This town. These people. I see the same ones everyday, go through the same motions every minute, life goes on and I am sitting on the sidelines watching wondering where I can find someone that I can attempt to relate to, that can relate to me. I have yet to find that person... The character of people in my life have astonished me lately. Why has the world become so superficial? so impersonal? I feel alone in a world of hate and mistrust. I just hope that I don't let it get the worst of me. I give and never receive, and for awhile I have never complained, but there comes a point when it gets to be too much. I thought I was strong enough to just deal but just dealing isn't working out, change is in order. A change of scenery. A change of people. A change of life. 

February 11, 2009

Feeling. Touching. The two words have the same definition but they are nothing alike. A feeling is something manifested deep beneath the surface of one's flesh whereas one needs no soul in order to touch. Does the male race simply just touch and never truly feel? Does the same apply to women as well? Who are the lucky few that do not have to feel? Touching is so much simpler.. No downfalls, no anguish. 

When and why did everything change? When did we stop being children, when did we lose our innocence? Our love for life, for fun, for the little things? I found myself sitting in the waiting room at the hospital today talking to a boy named Jaden by the age of 3. He had more spirit and enthusiasm and love than anyone of my peers. Life has become a duty, not a privilege.  A need, not a want. A nuisance, not a blessing. And I am no exception to everyone else. I take life for granted: the beauty of the ocean, the vivid colors of the sunset, along with that tantalizing smell after rainfall. Will it always be like this? When will I begin to appreciate the feel of a warm wind flowing through my hair or the grains of sand inbetween my toes? 

Soon I hope.

January 20, 2009

Why do people lie? Over react? and cause unneeded drama? Is it that their lives are just so unbelievably boring that they need to cause conflict in yours? There are so many things that people do that I cannot fathom to understand. How do you know when the lie is over? When all games are lost or won? Why did anyone begin playing in the first place... 

Janurary 9, 2009

Does it ever occur to you that things are NEVER are exactly how they seem? Because it's true. Everyday, I wake up and I put on an appearance. I go to school, and sit through four classes of the same bullshit with people who never really want to know anything about anyone. You pass by someone and they'll always ask "How are you?" But do they ever really want to know? And, am I ever going to stand there and take the time to say "You know what Bob, things really aren't going all too well right now.." by the time I say those words, Bob is running off in the opposite direction, scared and intimidated by raw emotions. Society has become so emotionless it sickens me. Love, affection.. where has it gone? and in it's place is lust and vacuity. 1 out of every 4 women are depressed and 1 of every 8 men... Have you ever taken the time to notice it? To maybe just smile at someone as you pass them on the sidewalk instead of look down and pretend they aren't even apparent to you, just like that piece of trash you just stepped on. Or hold the door open for the person behind you instead of just letting it slam in their face? No, these things may not get someone out of a depressive state of mind but for that one minute of feeling that someone has empathy or the littlest of compassion for them could help more than one might think... And it is also self-rewarding as well. There is a homeless man at the end of my street that I drive by everyday and everyday I may not give him something but I always let him know that he is recognized, be it with food, a conversation, or just a simple smile. People are delicate creatures. Treat them as you wanted to be treated, no matter who it is. Because you never know when you are going to be that person down on their luck or their life and need that one person to notice you, notice you are alive.